I love photography. I have no doubt that for the rest of my life I will be doing all the crazy things I do to just get that perfect shot. I love playing my bass. I know I probably won't ever go into a career involving music, but I do love music. I even write some poetry. I know that these are all artistic abilities, so I guess I should count myself lucky. But so often do I wish I could draw or paint or some kind of art through the use of my hands. Some thoughts, ideas, or images can only be expressed in this kind of art. Every stroke of brush, line of lead, sketch of ink mean something. They are part of the artist, and show exactly what they want it to.
I will imagine this beautiful, elaborate scene in my head, yet I have no way of putting it to paper. It is stuck inside my head, and I so desire to break the walls of the imagination, but it seems impossible. I am stuck with this art inside my head.
Some people have said that I should describe it to someone who can be visually artistic. Yet, I feel as if the art would not really be true art, just a false attempt at it. How can express myself when someone else is trying to do it for me?
I have tried learning how to draw. I have taken lessons, read books, sketched millions of failed attempts. I seem to be permanently restricted to stick men and doodles. On my bedroom wall, I have taped a painting I did of a horse when I was in middle school. I see it as an actual painting. Within it, the horse seems to gallop freely, movement visually recognizable. An emotion of freedom resonates from it. It looks as if I clearly knew what I was doing. When I have friends over, some even ask who drew it. When I tell them that I did, some do not believe me at first. They have seen my crazy and abstract little doodles before in my notebooks. I constantly am trying to replicate my original painting. Yet so far it seems as if it was an artistic flaw.
I long for the ability to draw, to express myself freely. Yet after years of "practice", I still am doodling like a 5 year old.